


God Knows, I've Fallen In Love

by TheAdorableTia



Category: Bohemian Rhapsody (Movie 2018), Queen (Band)
Genre: Angst, Bittersweet Ending, Deaky is sad, F/M, I wrote this in like an hour, Implied/Referenced Cheating, M/M, Song: I Want To Break Free (Queen)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-04
Updated: 2021-01-03
Packaged: 2021-03-14 00:15:45
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,871
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28537227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheAdorableTia/pseuds/TheAdorableTia
Summary: John pens the famous I Want To Break Free, and contemplates how his life has brought him to this moment.
Relationships: John Deacon/Roger Taylor, John Deacon/Veronica Tetzlaff
Comments: 12
Kudos: 14





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you so much for clicking on this fic and giving it a chance. I wrote this after watching Hungarian Rhapsody and a discussion with others about the state of Deaky's mind when he wrote this song. I hope you enjoy!

John stared down at the paper in the desk in front of him. The manic writing had begun almost as soon as he had walked through the front door of the house he shared with his wife and children. He’d been in the studio all day, and had come home to a house filled with chaos. It was all so overwhelming.

  
  


He’d said hello to everyone and then promptly shut himself in his home office and had begun to write.

  
  


_ I want to break free. I want to break free. I want to break free from your lies, you’re so self satisfied, I don’t need you. I’ve got to break free. God knows, God knows I want to break free. _

  
  


Tried as he might, John couldn’t pinpoint exactly when these feelings had become so prevalent inside of him. When he and Ronnie had first started dating, the rules had been so clear. She didn’t care what he did while he was away on tour. It had been simple. He could fuck whoever he wanted, do whatever he wanted. Ronnie could do whatever she wanted. When he came home though, it was only each other. 

  
  


That had been fine. It suited both of them. Then Ronnie got pregnant, and they had gotten married. The rules had pretty much stayed the same, but there had been a shift in Ronnie’s attitude. She was colder towards him when he would first come back from tour, but would eventually warm to him as the days went on. Then he would go on tour again, and the cycle would start over again. It didn’t stop him from doing as he pleased. He was a man who had needs, and he fulfilled those needs while he was away from her.

  
  


He never spoke to her about who he had fucked while on tour, and that had been part of the agreement. They didn’t need or want to know anything about the people they saw away from each other.

  
  


What Ronnie didn’t know was that John had only been with one person every single tour, and now he realized that he had done the absolute worst thing he could have done.

  
  


_ I’ve fallen in love. I’ve fallen in love for the first time, and this time I know it’s for real. I’ve fallen in love, yeah. God knows, God knows I’ve fallen in love. _

  
  


He had fallen in love with them. His brain had wandered while he wrote. It thought about blond hair that had once been long, and was now short. Bronze blond, then golden blond, and then a pale blond that turned silver in the pale moonlight that streamed through hotel windows. The thought of large baby blue eyes that looked at him with such tenderness, and that turned nearly black with desire when they made love. He realized now that they didn’t fuck. They made love from the very first drunken night in that hotel room in Glasgow.

  
  


The next verse he wrote was for them. His secret lover. The one he couldn’t be with the way he truly wanted to. If only it were that simple. If only they could just be together, but everything wasn’t so easy. It probably never would be, and John felt hot tears begin to fall onto the paper as he kept writing.

  
  


_ It’s strange, but it’s true. I can’t get over the way you love me like you do. But I have to be sure when I walk out that door. Oh how I want to be free, baby. Oh how I want to be free. Oh how I want to break free. _

  
  


There had been many times over the last decade where John had contemplated breaking it off with Roger. So many times when he had come back from tour and was with Ronnie and his kids where John thought about how he could never have this type of life with his bandmate. Roger had his own series of on and off again relationships in the time, and he had children of his own. John never knew if he’d told his girlfriends and wives about him, and he never asked. It had been enough to be with Roger when he could. When they were away from their families. John wasn’t sure that it was enough anymore. 

  
  


John did love Ronnie in a way. He didn;t love her the way that he used to, when they had first been together. At some point over the years, the love he had felt had turned into something more like fondness. She was still the mother of his children and for that she would always have his eternal gratitude and admiration. It wasn’t enough. It would never be enough, and John knew that now. It would be strange to not be with Ronnie anymore. He didn;t know how he would cope without her there. He couldn’t lie to himself or to her anymore. It wasn’t fair to anyone involved. Not Ronnie, not Roger, not the children, or himself.

  
  


_ But life still goes on. I can’t get used to living without, living without, living without you by my side. I don’t want to live alone, hey. God knows, got to make it on my own. So baby can’t you see? I’ve got to break free. _

  
  


By the time John had gotten to the end of the page, his mind had been made up. He couldn’t live this lie anymore. This dual life was killing him. He was thirty-two years old, and he was about to start his life over again. This time, he was going to be his true self even if it wasn’t going to be in the public eye. He was going to be true to himself, and to those around him who mattered most.

  
  


_ I’ve got to break free. I want to break free, Yeah. I want, I want, I want, I want to break free. _

  
  


John set down his pen, and sniffed before running his hands across his tear stained cheeks. He folded the paper up and slid it into his pocket, before standing and going to have one last normal evening with his wife and children. After the kids were all tucked in bed, his whole life was going to turn upside down.


	2. When I Walk Out That Door

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> John confesses, and everything changes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So I swear I set out to make this a one shot, but it just wouldn't let me go, sooooo here's the second chapter.

John’s confession to Veronica had gone as well as expected. Which is to say it went over like a lead balloon. There were tears for both of them, some hysterical sobs from Ronnie, and a slap to the face for the bassist. He deserved it, and he knew that. 

“You’re leaving me? For Roger? _Roger fucking Taylor_?” Ronnie had sobbed, the sting of the slap to his face still radiating through him. “How could you do this to me John? Ten years of my life! Was any of it real? Tell me!”

John rubbed at his cheek, Ronnie’s words echoing around the room. The kids were all in bed, but if she kept up with the yelling they wouldn’t be for long. 

“Ronnie, please,” John said, trying to keep his voice down. “Don’t wake up the kids. They don’t need to see this.” He was trying to be calm and rational about this. It was hard, and tears were still falling down his face as he spoke.

“They’re still going to find out John.” Ronnie hissed out. “Did you even think about them when you did this? Did you think about what this would do to them? When you went and fucked your bandmate, and.. And.. fell in love with him?” Fresh sobs wracked through her, and she held her face in her hands.

John reached out to hold her shoulders, trying to calm her but she pulled away the second his hands landed on her. 

“Don’t you dare fucking touch me, John.” She growled out as she moved further away. “Tell me John, did you ever love me?”

“Ronnie.. I did. I did love you, and I still do.. Just not the way that you think I do.” He said softly, his eyes scanning over her, and taking in just how much pure unadulterated rage was painting her features. She was a beautiful woman, there was no doubt, but she didn;t hold a candle to Roger. Not anymore. “And, I’m always going to love you, for being the mother of my children, but that’s all. You aren’t the love of my life.” John’s voice was barely above a whisper as he spoke, something akin to shame and regret tingeing his voice. He couldn’t keep lying. It was out there now and there was no taking it back. Not that he wanted to. He just wished it didn’t have to be so damn hard.

“The love of your life? Your best friend?” Ronnie said with a dark chuckle, shaking her head in disbelief. “That song was never about me, was it?” John stayed silent, but the look in his eyes told her more than enough. “It was about Roger. It was always about Roger. How could I have been so goddamn stupid?”

Ronnie and John both wiped at their faces, getting rid of the tear stains that ran down their cheeks.

“Ronnie, I am so sorry-” John began but his soon to be ex wife just held up a hand to silence him. 

“Just.. get out, John. Get the hell out of this house. Go stay with Roger, it’s what you want to do. So just. Fucking. Go.” Her words were punctuated by jabbing a finger in the vicinity of their front door.

“Ok Ronnie, I’m just going to get some stuff and then I’ll go.” John conceded to her, knowing that it would be pointless, and it was true. He did want to go to Roger. 

John made his way upstairs to their shared bedroom, his heart wrenching a little at the sound of Ronnie’s sobs behind him. This was for the best, he had to remind himself. As much as he hated hurting Ronnie, he couldn’t keep lying. It was doing more harm than good to everyone in the long run. It had been for several years now, even if his wife didn’t know it. His hurt had been ongoing for several years, but hers was just now coming to light. 

John grabbed one of his suitcases and began throwing clothes from his wardrobe and dresser into it. He moved into their en suite bathroom and collected his essentials from there; shampoo, razor, toothbrush, aftershave. He would have to come back for the rest later, if Ronnie didn’t burn it all before he could. He didn’t think she would, but hell hath no fury and all that. 

As he zipped up his case, his eye landed on the gold band wrapped around his left ring finger. The one he took off on every tour, so that just for a while he could pretend he wasn’t attached to her. So that he could pretend that he and Roger were together for real. He breathed out a deep sigh, and pulled the ring from his finger. He placed the band down on the nightstand on what had been his nightstand. He wouldn’t be needing it anymore. 

With the removal of the ring, it felt like a weight had been lifted from John’s shoulders. He was free. Well, almost. He was free from his own lies.

John grabbed his bag, and went back downstairs. Ronnie was still in the living room, head in her hands. She’d stopped crying at least from what John could tell. That was a good sign, he hoped.

“I’ll call in a couple of days, and we can talk about what comes next, yeah?” He said quietly as he slung his bag over his shoulder, and ran his hand through the poofy curls of his hair. 

Ronnie turned her face up to look at him. Her face was blotchy and pink flushed, her eyes puffy and red rimmed. Her lips were set in a grim line, and her only response was to nod. John nodded back at her with a cough and with that, he left the house.

The drive to Roger’s house seemed to both fly by and drag on forever. It felt like every light turned red for him along the way. The radio was playing softly through the speakers, a funk station that John was fond of when he was in London. A small smile crossed his face when the familiar sound of a song that John knew all too well came through the speakers. Somehow, some way these kinds of stations were fond of playing anything that had a good bass line, and John had written some of the best. That was why the sound of one Freddie Mercury singing about a man named Steve and his machine guns walking down the street began to play.

When John pulled up to Roger’s house, he saw that lights were still on in the palatial place. Why Roger felt the need to live in a place so large by himself, John never truly understood. Even he and Ronnie had never lived in a place that had more than what they needed, even though they could have afforded something as grand as this.

John grabbed his bag out of the back after parking in the long driveway, and rang the bell. He would have usually knocked, but in a house this size it was a crapshoot if Roger would be somewhere he could hear the sound. A few moments later the door opened, and John was greeted by the sight of his lover wrapped up in a dressing gown and pyjama bottoms.

“Deaky? What are you doing here? Why do you have a bag?” Roger said as he looked his bandmate up and down. Confusion was written across his beautiful features.

“I’ll explain Rog, I promise.. Just.. just let me in.” John said, and with a nod, Roger allowed him in. Roger would always allow John in, no matter what, and the bassist knew it. He knew it because Roger loved him, just as much as John loved the blond. They hadn’t said it in words, but it was in every look they shared, and every little touch.

They trooped into the living room, where the brunet set his bag down at the end of the couch. He pulled the paper that had been in his pocket all evening and sat down, motioning for Roger to do the same.

“Rog, love, I need you to read this.” John held the paper out once the blond had sat down. The drummer took the paper, still looking confused, and unfolded it. It was also unusual for John to use those sorts of pet names when they were in London, so that only made flags go up for the blond even more.

John watched the myriad of expressions that crossed his lover’s face while he scanned the page over and over again. The lyrics were short, and should only take a good thirty seconds to read, but the pair of them sat on the couch for at least a full five minutes while Roger took it in.

“What does this mean, Deaky?” Roger said, putting down the paper on the coffee table in front of them and turning a bit in his seat to look directly at John.

“It means, I’m breaking free, Rog.” John said with a somewhat sad smile on his face. “I told Ronnie.”

“You told Ronnie what?” Roger said, tilting his head, looking very much like a confused puppy for just a moment before it dawned on him. “You told Ronnie about us?” His voice was higher than normal and filled with no small amount of panic. “What the hell John? Why would you do that?”

“I couldn’t live that lie anymore, love.” John reached out and took the blond’s callused hands in his own, his thumbs gently rubbing the backs of his lover’s hands. “I couldn’t.. It was killing me on the inside. It hurt so badly to go back to the house every night, and lay in bed with her and wishing so damn bad that I was with you instead. It was you who I wanted to wake up next to in the mornings, and who I wanted to share my life with. Bloody hell, it’s always been you Rog, I just never had the courage to say it. I love you. I have for a long time now.”

“Oh John, baby.” Roger said as he pulled his hands away, only to press them on either side of the bassist’s face, thumbs catching the tears that were beginning to fall. “I love you. I know I’ve never said it, but I do. So damn much. If this is what you want, then I’m in too.”

John smiled, showing the gap in his teeth, even as tears still fell down his face.

Both men leaned in and pressed their lips together like they had done so many thousand times before, the kiss quickly deepening. This one tasted sweeter, despite the salt of the tears that were coming from both of them, and the edge of nicotine on both of their tongues. It was perfect.

**Author's Note:**

> Please leave kudos and comments below if you liked it. I'm also very sorry for any feels you may have gotten reading this. As always, thank you to The Clog Factory for being my stalwart companions!


End file.
